


Two Plus Two Equals Four

by coldwarqueer



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Ableism, Asexual Character, Blue Team Are Assholes, Donut is Asexual, Fluff, M/M, Red Team Are Assholes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 22:06:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2041959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldwarqueer/pseuds/coldwarqueer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you not like it, Private McMuffin?” Donut tried not to laugh at Caboose’s playful teasing. He covered his mouth, a loud laugh escaping him as Caboose tickled his sides.</p><p>“I like it.” Donut opened his mouth to say something again, only for Caboose to kiss him. He leaned into it, until he tilted his head up to press their foreheads together. “I really like it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Plus Two Equals Four

**Author's Note:**

> Asexual Donut is one of my fav headcanons, and Donut/Caboose is one of my fav pairings. I combined it.
> 
> This includes a lot of ableism and very rude comments about asexuality, please take caution if that upsets you. No hurtful or negative opinions characters express are condoned by the author.

"What was it like growing up on the moon?" Donut mused from behind his magazine, Caboose's head in his lap. They were laying up on the cliff in the morning sun, avoiding their duties.

"Oh, you know. Like Earth. Zero gravity playgrounds. Moon rock fights. The usual. Moon rock fights are not very fun." Caboose voice stuffed up at the end as he pulled up his shirt to show Donut the scars from the rock fights.

"That doesn't sound like Earth at all," Donut mused, reaching forward to idly trace the scars with the tips of his fingers. Caboose snickered and giggled, tickled by the casual touching.

"What was it like growing up on Earth?" Caboose parroted, reaching up to touch Donut's blond hair with both hands.

"I grew up on a farm in rural Iowa, so I can't speak much for everyone else," Donut replied, setting his magazine down. "It's a lot different down on Earth, it's not so cut and dry. I imagine being from a colony it's easier to generalize."

"Oh, there were other colonies. I didn't like them very much. They were mean to me. They were mean to all outsiders." Caboose huffed out a long breath and tugged at a frayed string off Donut's shirt collar.

–

"C-Caboose," Donut breathed out as his boyfriend necked down his throat. Caboose had insisted they hide out at Blue base that night, after everyone had gone to sleep. He was starting to realize why, now.

"Do you not like it, Private McMuffin?" Donut tried not to laugh at Caboose's playful teasing. He covered his mouth, a loud laugh escaping him as Caboose tickled his sides.

"I like it." Donut opened his mouth to say something again, only for Caboose to kiss him. He leaned into it, until he tilted his head up to press their foreheads together. "I really like it." A little heavy petting never bothered him.

Donut yelped as he felt a hand on his crotch, thumbing open his button and zipper. "Caboose!"

"What?" Caboose immediately backed off, holding up his hands like he were in a robbery. He looked about to panic, and immediately blurted out, "Tucker did it!"

As freaked out as he was, Donut couldn't help but laugh at Caboose's kneejerk reaction to blame Tucker for everything. "No, uh, hey… Let's not… do that. Taking clothes off, I mean." He shifted, until he was sitting up, eye level with Caboose. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"I'm sorry, Donut." Caboose moved until they could sit facing one another. He reached out tentatively, holding out his hand. "Can I hold your hand?"

"Of course. I just meant… Let's keep it like this. I like kissing and everything, but…" Donut felt a little guilty, like he always did with his boyfriends. He didn't want to lose Caboose like he'd lost several others.

"Is it because I'm stupid?" Donut was taken aback by the comment, and watched as Caboose's face twisted into something between hurt and betrayal.

"What?" Donut didn't know what to say, pushing back on his hands to think of an answer to the question he didn't completely understand.

"Will you not have sex with me because I'm stupid?"

"What? Oh… Oh." Donut pulled his hand back, then quickly gripped Caboose's once more. "That's not it at all, I swear. Why would you think that?"

"Because none of my other boyfriends wanted to have sex with me because I'm stupid." There was anger in Caboose's words as he recounted memories. Donut squeezed his hand.

Caboose's childish thought process often threw Donut through a loop, and it was definitely a shock that his boyfriend had so brazenly been sexual with him. He hadn't even thought about Caboose's sexual needs- he had never brought it up. Donut had a feeling Caboose wasn't one to bring sex up unless he intended to act upon it.

"I swear, that's not it," Donut assured him. "It's not you, Caboose. I don't want to have sex with anyone."

It took a moment for Caboose's buffer face to turn into one of understanding. "Oh! I am sorry, Donut, I should have asked." He gripped Donut's cheeks and kissed him on the lips. "Will you read me a book before you go back to Red Base?"

Donut let out a sigh of relief and grinned. "Of course! What do you want me to read?"

–

"Woe is the day when my only reliable soldier shares a bed with a Blue!" Sarge wailed from where he lay on the ground several feet away, bemoaning the discovery of Donut's relationship. He was red-faced under his armor, glad that no one could see. Simmons turned, sounding rather offended as he questioned his Sergeant's decree of "only reliable soldier."

"What the hell, Donut? You actually fucked _that_ guy? Why would you go for the stupid one? Does he even know what sex _is_?" Grif was giving Donut the kind of stare that could only be described as _disgusted_. "I mean, we all knew it was a long time coming, but _him_?"

"Of course he knows what sex is!" Donut could only imagine what Blue team was saying to Caboose right then- no one underestimated him more than his own teammates. "Stop looking at me like that!"

"Seriously, Donut, we're just trying to wrap our head around this Caboose thing," Simmons butt in, glancing over at Sarge and Grif. "I mean, don't you think it's kind of… wrong to take advantage of someone like him?"

"Why do you all assume we've had sex?" Donut's fists curled at his sides. "We haven't done anything like that! And it's certainly not because Caboose doesn't _understand_ sex, he _does_!"

"Oh, yeah right, that guy? He couldn't tell a donut hole from Donut's hole," Grif grunted, turning around to tell Sarge to get the hell up, leaving Donut unable to properly respond.

"Sorry if it comes off as like, rude and stuff, but how the hell do you justify having sex with someone _that_ dumb?"

"We haven't had sex! Why are you all obsessed with sex?" Donut was tempted to just run off and leave them there. He wanted to talk to Caboose.

"We assume you've had sex with someone if we find out you're boyfriends," Grif replied over his shoulder. "I mean, everyone has sex. It's not a hard leap to make."

"Not everyone has sex! I don't have sex!" Not explicitly true, but they didn't need to know that. Donut was too mad to explain that part to them anyway. "I don't want to have sex with anyone! I'm not sexually attracted to anyone!"

"That's weird, Donut."

"It's not weird!"

"That's pretty weird, Sugarsprinkles." Sarge had finally gotten up off the floor to cease his moaning and groaning, just to berate him. "What about his needs?"

"You were all just saying how it would be bad to have sex with him! Don't turn around and tell me I'm denying him or something!" Donut would never admit it, but it was a secret fear of his that he _was_ denying Caboose of something he might consider important in a relationship. Caboose had never breached the subject after his faux pas, and his eager acceptance of Donut's asexuality was reassuring, but it was a deep rooted fear after too many boyfriends had left him for feeling "shafted."

"He's got a point, sir." Donut would feel more reassured by Grif's words if he didn't know the lazy man was doing it just to disagree with Sarge. "Besides, if Donut isn't getting laid then who cares? At least he's not fucking someone with the IQ of a seven year old."

Donut was angrier about that than he should have been. He tackled Grif and wrapped his hands around his neck. "Would you shut up? Caboose isn't stupid!"

"Go, Cupcake, go, go!" Sarge cheered from the sidelines, grabbing Simmons by the back of his armor. "Stop it right there, Simmons, let Donut have his fun! Ten bucks and Grif's last pack of twinkies says he kills him!"

"You stay away from my twinkies! Ow! Donut, stop it! I was joking-"

By the time he was pulled off of Grif, Donut was ready to explode. "You guys are all assholes!" He turned and stormed off, leaving them in the dust.

–

"Caboose? What the hell? You've been fraternizing with the enemy!"

"Shut up, Tucker, let me handle this," Church interrupted, shoving himself in front of Tucker. "Caboose, what the hell? You've been fraternizing with the enemy!"

"Nice job being original, asshole-"

"Shut up, Tucker. Caboose, tell me why we found you and the pink guy- er… What _were_ you doing?"

"We were painting each other's nails. And reading books. And kissing." Caboose felt the awkward, broken words come out of him like a waterfall. He didn't like it when Church yelled at him, even if he knew he had done something wrong. But this didn't feel wrong- he liked painting Donut's toenails, and he liked listening to Donut read books to him, and he _especially_ liked kissing Donut.

"See, that last part. Don't do that part. That pink guy might do weird things to you." Caboose could see Church going red in the face as he spouted things he had no idea what he was talking about.

"What weird things?" Caboose shifted his weight onto his heels, feeling uneasy with where this conversation was headed.

"Well, you know- those Red guys are always talking about how weird and unnecessarily… uh, awkward the Pink guy can make things." Tucker made a casual glance towards Red Base. "Dude, Church, I think we're wasting our time, Caboose doesn't even know where babies come from, how would he know what sex is?"

"I know what sex is!" Caboose belted it out like a viper, with enough bite to surprise both Church and Tucker. "And I only don't know where babies come from because you will not tell me! Maybe _you_ don't know what sex is, Tucker."

"Dude, you just got told by Caboose."

"Shut up, dude! This isn't funny! That guy could have like, done weird stuff to him."

"Donut doesn't even like taking clothes off!" Caboose was going red in the face as he tried to communicate with them. As usual, the words weren't connecting right in his head, making it just that much harder to say them. "Donut doesn't like having sex!"

"Really? Man, what a freak-"

"Shut up, Tucker. What the hell do you mean the pink guy doesn't like having sex?" Church seemed weirded out he had to ask that question to Caboose of all people.

"Donut doesn't like having sex." Caboose said it slow, thinking it might help them understand better. "And that's okay! Even though I like it a lot. He doesn't want to. So we don't do it."

"Wait, what was that bit about you liking sex a lot?" Tucker cut in before Church could stop him. "Am I seriously hearing that Michael J. Caboose, lord smartass and fucking stupidest dude from the moon, glorious teamkilling fucktard, _isn't_ a virgin?"

"Ohh, no, don't be silly Tucker. Of course I'm not. You guys do not listen when I talk."

"Yeah, I try hard not to- back to the point on hand," Church snapped. He seemed to be the one finding the information hard to swallow. "I could care less you're fucking a guy on Red Team, my point is like, people shouldn't be fucking you."

"Dude, did you even listen to him? I think Caboose is a player."

"You are both not listening. I am going to go this way. Me and Donut are going to go back to reading books and painting our nails. And kissing." Caboose emphasized the kissing part to Church, who just made a frustrated noise.

–

"My team doesn't understand," Donut sighed. This time it was his turn to lay his head in Caboose's lap. He understood why Caboose loved to do it- it felt great, to be so secure in someone's embrace. The cliff was warmer than usual; it felt good to lay with their armor off.

"It's okay, Private McMuffin," Caboose assured him, running his hands through Donut's hair. "I understand you. Church didn't understand me either. For some reason Tucker understands. That doesn't make any sense."

"My team was more obsessed about the fact I'm not having sex with you than that I'm in a relationship with a Blue!" Donut made a face, only for Caboose to lean down and kiss it off his lips. "Thanks. I needed that."

"It's okay. I don't think Church thinks I know what sex is." That far off look in Caboose's eye was back, something Donut had begun to recognize as hurt. "They never listen to me."

If it hadn't been said in such an offbeat tone, as Caboose's words usually were, Donut would have been worried. He pulled Caboose back down for a kiss and sighed. "If it's any consolation, it means a lot that you're totally okay with my sexuality… I mean, you are… right? You're okay with it?"

"Oh, of course!" Caboose whistled through his nose and smiled down at Donut. "If you do not want to have sex, we will not have sex. I like it a lot, but only if you like it a lot too."

"I do sometimes. But not usually. The only times I've had sex I didn't really enjoy it, because I wasn't attracted to them sexually." Donut shrugged. "It means a lot to know you understand. A lot of boyfriends before you have just dropped me like a hot rock, as soon as I tell them I don't do sex."

"They are stupid." Caboose put his arms under Donut's arms and pulled him up, squeezing him tight. "They are stupid. But at least they broke up with you, because now I am your boyfriend."

"You know, I never thought of it like that!" Donut grinned and turned his head to kiss Caboose again. "I like that reason a lot more than just them breaking up with me for not having sex. From now on I'm saying they broke up with me so you could be my boyfriend."

"I like that. I like you, Private McMuffin." Donut couldn't help but smile, hearing Caboose's nickname for him.

"I like you too, Caboose. A lot."


End file.
